THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO....

In between jobs and commuting between London and Liverpool whilst on the hunt for one Andrew was poverty stricken for the summer of 2006. With England just winning in the world cup group stages and the sun shining in the Coach and Horses beer garden everyone was n jovial mood and all signs pointed to the night being a heavy one. Not wanting to miss the festivities Andrew conjured up a crisp ten pound note from somewhere and bought two bottles of cheap blended wine which he guzzled down in under two hours.

The now near paralytic Andrew was desperate to accompany everyone else into the city centre to continue the party, but alas no-one, it seemed was prepared to back him financially.  Taking pity on poor Andrew a consortion of friends decided that they would front £35 between them to help Andrew out...Nothing's free in this world however and Andrew was set a challenge in order to win the money. 

One of the member's of the group with the money had recently returned from the playboy club in Houston wherein he was gifted a rare and expensive Monte Cristo cigar. Removed from it's protective case the specimen was 8 inches long and had a girth of two inches, it smelled like a cuban tobacco harvest and contained the faintest susant of chocolate and oak. Enjoyed in the proper surrounding the cigar was designed to be enjoyed over the course of about an hour with a fine congnac or scotch and some thought provoking conversation on the side to accompany. ..Andrew's task was to finish the cigar in it's entirety in three minutes. 

A watch was set, a crowd gathered and a match was struck as the inebriated Andrew began puffing away at the thing like a chimney, billows of black smoke spewing from his mouth like Battersea power-station in the 1960's! visibly struggling to physically hold down the amount of chemicals entering his lungs Andrew began to grimace and hack with every breath, yet never broke his electric pace and somehow continued to shorten the cigar a millimeter at a time. two minute in and Andrew had somehow managed to half the cigar's length, but he was physically exhausted, drunk as a child at Neverland and could barely breathe due to the amount of Carbon monoxide and Dioxide clinging to his insides. He took ten seconds to catch his breath, breathing like a freediver who's just been 200 meters beneath the ocean for 5 minutes and then with one final Herculean effort began dragging the remaining cigar down. The crowd cheered as it began vanishing around the 30 second mark and only two inches remained...then one and a half...then one...and just as the clock struck zero Andrew howled in agony as he sucked burning tobacco embers into his mouth, jumping to his feet and spilling wine all over the table in the process. 

Andrew couldn't speak for over 24 hours and instead of basking in his victorious achievement spent his night out asleep at a club in the city centre. 

OL' RED

Love is a strange thing. With mounting student debt, secret overdrafts catching up with him, personal loans, maxed out credit cards and no job Andrew felt that to go to see a girl he'd "sort of" been seeing for 2 months (during which time they'd both been unfaithful numerous times and Andrew had developed and lied about a rather impressive drug habit) a new credit card was in order. Andrew worked hard in the gym for three months and scrimped and saved to show her a really good time, hopeful that this time he could make it work.

He jettisoned off to the Sunshine State in such haste that he forgot to book ay accommodation, opting instead to head for the only other place he could go once he touched down... the bar. As he waited in ernest for his beloved Andrew began to sink a few Long Islands... then a few shot's of Diesel 153. When he awoke the next morning he was not by a girls side but rather in a friends house... apparently he was so drunk that she had left the bar in disgust on the mere sight of him.  

Desperate to make amends and plead forgiveness Andrew, now less than flattering in appearance and odor, fumbled over to his would be lover's apartment and went inside... what the heart wants the body cannot always provide however as Andrew proceeded to vomit so violently and vehemently that he burst all the blood vessels in part of his face, turning the whites of his eyes a vicious, deep crimson that took the best part of a week to abate. looking like some freakish cross between a Manga cartoon and the Terminator Andrew picked himself up and vowed to himself that when his girl came home that night he would be a different person... twelve hours later he was off his mash at a party with a gang of Mexican's down International Drive... Andrew and the girl decided it would be better if they didn't see each other anymore.

HINDLEY, WILD MAN OF THE HURRICANE

Hurricane Season in the United States is no laughing matter. Homes are ruined and failure to prepare yourself properly can result in injury or even death. As hurricane Carla edged towards Andrew's abode people drained the supermarkets and chesmists for provisions and boarded up their houses for what was promising to be a long and terrifying 24 hours. Local's eyebrows were raised when they saw Andrew return from his ration run with two crates of Milwauke Best premium lager under his arms and a bottle of Creme de Menthe!!!

Overnight the storm raged hard, ripping tree's from the ground and leaving a trail of destruction in it's wake...As morning came Andrew was due to goto help the Hurricane Relief drive in work but he was nowhere to be seen, leaving some to think that he was still in bed or too afraid to venture into the hurricane. On route to the bus that would take them to work the other volunteers were more than a little surprised when walking past a bush they heard a rustling and grunting. Mistaking it for racoons or armadillo's the troop nearly jumped out of it's skin when a ragged Andrew, shoeless and cut to ribbons emerged from the undergrowth. Having seemingly just come to after god knows what sort of escapade Andrew, dedicated as ever, got on the bus with his cohorts and trundled through the eye of the storm to assist in the relief...though when he got to work he spent the next few hours sleeping in the laundry bin.