EAST MEETS ANDREW

Eager to extend an olive ranch across cultural boundaries Andrew kindly agreed to cook a "traditional" Sunday meal for a visiting Japanese Exchange student. After basting his chicken, seasoning his vegetables to taste, perfecting the consistency of his gravy and baking desert Andrew decided that all that was missing was a cheeky glass of wine, the perfect accompaniment to any sunday roast. As a lover of the fruits of the vine Andrew and Sakiko went quickly through a bottle of Merlot, then Shiraz, then Rioja, The Cabernet Sauvignon so that the chicken wasn't the only thing that was well and truly DONE by the time the oven timer pinged. Andrew was well and truly out of the game and as everyone sa down to eat proceeded to talk about all manner of topical discussion, from gay sex to the Thatcherist regime. Furthermore in Sakiko he had created a bigger problem, she was not used to consuming alcohol so the vast quantities Andrew has induced in her resulted in her staying MUTE for the entire meal, staring blankly at her plate and nigh on falling asleep until she arose to puke her guts up just before desert. All in all Sakiko went back to Japan none the wiser about a traditional English Dinner but with a headache the size of a Hiroshima explosion.  

KING OF THE RODEO

The 01:55am pull a fatty is no strange tactic to some of the more desperate males among us. Out of luck and out of sorts there are those who simply can't have a decent night unless some small amount of physical contact has been experienced with the opposite sex...

With very much a come one come all open-door policy towards women Andrew signed on for a bout of fat girl rodeo one night in Double Vision. After careful scrutiny he selected a particularly voluminous specimen and readied his charm lassoo, desperate to impress his compadres. 

Strutting across the club Andrew nestled in behind the victim and proceeded to throw some shapes on the dancefloor just to put out the vibe. Shortly thereafter Andrew got the greenlight to edge closer in and began chewing the face off his quarry...

So far so good but apparently no-one had clearly defined the rules of fat girl rodeo to Andrew who equated it quite literally with the Texan past time. Finally coming up for air Andrew wrapped himself firmly around the girl and whispered softly in her ear, "you're quite possibly the foulest person I've ever seen you dirty fat minger "then braced himself for the aftermath... Andrew hung on like a champion as the furious beast went ballistic for the next fifteen seconds and attempted to throw Andrew off her like a bucking bronco! Escaping largely unscathed Andrew returned to his friends as the untouchable and to this day undisputed king of the Rodeo.

RULE OF THUMB

When you’re young racing down hills is, for the most part, one of the most fun things to do. Young at heart Andrew proved in true Peter Pan style that he truly is the boy who never grew up, opting to race down a veritable Matterhorn in the Nottingham downs during Festivus…in a shopping cart…with a dodgy wheel!...in his early twenties! Andrew volunteered to rest precariously on the front of the cart whilst the other rider held up the rear, thus maintaining the cart’s delicate balance. As the cart gathered momentum the equilibrium of the vehicle was shattered as his co-pilot drove off the back of the trolley sending Andrew careening towards the bottom of the steep incline. With no suspension on the Cart and gaining momentum with every passing second Andrew clung on for dear life, at the mercy of the cart and the road like a Japanese woman caught in a tropical cyclone. As he swerved out of control the cart toppled over, landing Andrew flat on his face and sending the trolley over his head, catching him for good measure along the way and rendering him almost unconscious. Andrew’s wrist hurt but not wanting to be a stick in the mud he grit his teeth and got on with the rest of the evening.

On realizing his wrist was broken Andrew and a few colleagues raced to Queen’s Medical Centre to save his hand. The usual long wait greeted them so to pass the time Andrew decided to ask the Paramedics to “nip out and get us a meat feast pizza.” Apparently the medical staff took exception to this and patients looked on in bewilderment as Andrew and his piers were ejected from the A&E.

Today Andrew has regained the use of his hand though he still cannot straighten his thumb completely as a timely reminder. Mused Hindley “Shopping carts are no longer my first choice mode of transport for getting down hills”