RULE OF THUMB

When you’re young racing down hills is, for the most part, one of the most fun things to do. Young at heart Andrew proved in true Peter Pan style that he truly is the boy who never grew up, opting to race down a veritable Matterhorn in the Nottingham downs during Festivus…in a shopping cart…with a dodgy wheel!...in his early twenties! Andrew volunteered to rest precariously on the front of the cart whilst the other rider held up the rear, thus maintaining the cart’s delicate balance. As the cart gathered momentum the equilibrium of the vehicle was shattered as his co-pilot drove off the back of the trolley sending Andrew careening towards the bottom of the steep incline. With no suspension on the Cart and gaining momentum with every passing second Andrew clung on for dear life, at the mercy of the cart and the road like a Japanese woman caught in a tropical cyclone. As he swerved out of control the cart toppled over, landing Andrew flat on his face and sending the trolley over his head, catching him for good measure along the way and rendering him almost unconscious. Andrew’s wrist hurt but not wanting to be a stick in the mud he grit his teeth and got on with the rest of the evening.

On realizing his wrist was broken Andrew and a few colleagues raced to Queen’s Medical Centre to save his hand. The usual long wait greeted them so to pass the time Andrew decided to ask the Paramedics to “nip out and get us a meat feast pizza.” Apparently the medical staff took exception to this and patients looked on in bewilderment as Andrew and his piers were ejected from the A&E.

Today Andrew has regained the use of his hand though he still cannot straighten his thumb completely as a timely reminder. Mused Hindley “Shopping carts are no longer my first choice mode of transport for getting down hills”

BACK IN THE U.S.S.ARGH!

Masquerading as something your not often gets people what they want. One Saturday night Andrew, barely 18 at the time, felt the best way to get what he wanted with a girl was to pretend he was a Russian Ballet Dancer. Posing as Nikolai Voroshenko Andrew managed to entice the girl to come home with him. With no place to turn Andrew asked his friend Pete for his house keys. Pete reluctantly gave in and Andrew and his cohort Spenner took two girls back to the house. 

One hour later Pete and a few other's returned home, expecting to find two of the bedrooms out of bounds...but what greeted them was more Halloween than Emmanuelle. Andrew was found in the kitchen, shirtles and with a knife at his throat courtesy of his female caller,bruised and red-faced and frantically bartering for his life. Apparently S&M fan Andrew had gotten a little to frisky in his foreplay. There was seemingly a misunderstanding about what Andrew classed as a friendly spank and the girl and her friend labeled "physical assault." Then as Andrew began using his regular accent the s**t really hit the fan and the girl became convinced he was a serial rapist who had lured her to his gritty sex den and began to call the police. Moreover Andrew was then involved in a battle against many of his friends who weren't sure whether or not Andrew had in fact beaten the bejesus out of the girl. 

In the end the girl's left signalling an end to the festivities and the whole thing calmed down. Shortly thereafter everyone filtered home, the night more than slightly soured. Andrew meanwhile vowed never to use a false identity to get girls again, "all in all" he remarked, "I don't really think it's worth it" 

  

ICE TO SEE YOU

Whilst working at the Sandpiper restaurant Andrew’s head chef asked him to nip into the walk in freezer as he had done many times before and pick out some Seabass for that night’s service. Andrew obediently set off for the freezer, focused upon the task at hand. .

Thirty minutes later the Chef was still Seabass-less and no-one had seen or heard from Andrew since he went off to retrieve them. A kitchen wide search was underway a short time afterwards as concern grew within the staff for their team mate. A quivering Hindley was found sometime later by a young kitchen porter in the deep freeze, ice forming on his whites and unable to speak.

In 1994 Jima Carrey and Jeff Daniels made our sides literally split in the movie Dumb and Dumber. For Andrew it would seem one laugh-out-loud moment registered in his mind more than others…when the dopey ‘Harry’ gets his tongue stuck to a frosty telephone pole. Now, for most normal people the idea of putting your tongue on frozen metal is funny on screen but not something we would like to experience first hand…as we all know however Andrew is no ordinary being. Overcome with curiosity Andrew had seen his chance to see if this phenomenon was a scientific fact or Hollywood fabrication…he found out the hard way.

On first inspection Andrew wasn’t convinced that his tongue would indeed stick to the freezer shelf, although he thought that he could definitely feel some kind of pull when he flicked the tip at it. Not someone who does things by halves Andrew then flattened his tongue like a paddle and pressed it firmly down for thirty seconds.

Blood poured across the interior of the fridge and freezer when Andrew’s tongue was finally ripped from the freezer frame, leaving behind a thin sliver of skin from the hapless Hindley’s mouth that, for health and safety required the defrosting of the whole freezer the next week to remove! As testament to his devoted work ethic Andrew offered to work the rest of his shift, despite nearly bleeding to death, his whites looking like he worked in an abatoire and not being able to speak…to his surprise he was told to go home