ANDY LENNOX

Has he been 'talking to an Angel'? True to form Andrew (never shy of flaunting his innate sense of fashion with bravado) has recently opted for a hair cut, some new specs and has begun to favor the cardigan as an alternative to the jumper/jacket...Maybe we're wrong but to us it looks like he's slowly transforming into everyones favorite Scottish lesbian-cum-songstress Annie Lennox... Sweet Dreams?

HIND IN THE WILLOWS

Camping, what could be more relaxing. A leisurely jaunt into the west sussex countryside may have seemed like the perfect way to unwind for messr Hindley and a few work chums. Yet what began as a quiescent afternoon quickly snowballed into a messy affair awash with talking cows, grand theft bateaux and a high river adventure that Mississippi's own mark Twain would have been proud of!

After a slow start Andrew hit top hedonistic form and was destroyed in that way we all know and love by mid afternoon. Continuing on well into the evening the heir to the Hindley empire decided that an evening constitutional away from the protection of the camp was exactly what the doctor ordered. Sauntering into a nearby field Andrew found that he was not alone but was in the company of some of Fresia's finest dairy cows. The charismatic Hindley engaged the cows in thought provoking conversation for a number of hours. Eventually he was captured by his workmates in the early hours of the morning and returned to the camp.

A beast that can never be tamed however, Andrew again decided that the camp could not hold his ambition for the evening and decided that if he couldn't escape on foot then he would find alternative means...Ever the keen sailor Andrew managed to locate a row boat moored nearby and recognised it's potential. Clambering into the vessel Hindley cast off into the meandering river and began to bob downstream. And so it was that at five thirty on Sunday morning Andrew began his journey down the wily, Sussex creek, seemingly at it's mercy with neither oars nor rudder to guide him on his way...as the sun rose further, Andrew drifted into a drunken slumber.

Eventually andrew awoke as he crashed into the bank miles downstream, disoriented and scared, a look at his phone informed him that the campers were due to leave shortly and so Hindley began paddling upstream with his hands. After a number of miles, hands blackened from the muddy water and barely awake from fatigue and hunger Andrew made it back to camp where he was chastised for vanishing. Fiercely proud Andrew then made it clear that he had no intention of alighting from his vessel...until he was given a timely reminder that it wasn't actually his in the first place!

HIGHBALL

Andrew enjoys keeping fit and is always eager to join in team sports every chace he gets. One evening Andrew was asked to play 5-a-side football by a colleague and, seen as how he already had his gear from the gym with him, agreed.

Andrew went the gym after work as usual, sculpting his guns in preparation for the summer. What Andrew didn't notice however was that in his haste to make it to football afterwards, he'd left his shorts on the locker room floor.

It was up at the pitch that Andrew discovered his debacle. Andrew was the fifth man and failure to run out would mean the team had to forfeit the game. The concept of letting the team down and not playing was not an option so Andrew, remembering that he was wearing green and blue tartan boxer shorts, began to play with the idea of not needing his shorts at all. Stripping down Andrew carefully stepped onto the pitch, the rest of the players on the other 8 pitches all unaware that he was in his underwear.

As the game began the committed Andrew went in for a high challenege, giving the oncoming striker an eyefull of something he didn't expect. After a few more of these incidents, sometimes with members of his own team and once with the reffree Andrew was consigned to goalkeeper duty. Both teams agreed it was the best solution for everybody. He may have lost his shorts in the gym but on the field of play Andrew lost a whole lot more...

THE NAKED TRUTH...

A born survivor Andrew has conditioned his body to deal with any eventuality. After a night out in Brighton Andrew was 1 pound short of the price for a chicken burger. Unfazed he managed to barter with colleagues for the elusive currency he required in exchange for going for a late night swim. An affinity for the sea has forged Andrew into a fine swimmer and he wasted no time in heading off to the beach where he cast off his clothes and headed out into the murky surf. December is a bitterly cold time of year on the seafront and a thick snowy blanket was descending upon the coast as Andrew trudged to the waters’ edge, triumphantly marching into the shallows with his arms raised in triumph.

Andrew’s night took a turn for the worse however as he was caught in a rip current and vanished beneath the waves a few meters out, surfacing a few seconds later as a mere silhouette in the distance and frantically paddling back towards the shore. Andrew fought the elements dragging him under with all his might and eventually returned, out of breath safely to the beach.

Andrew’s woe was not over though as a new challenge faced him. The current had dragged him down the beach and in the pitch-blackness Andrew couldn’t locate his clothing or belongings. Naked as the day he was born, close to hypothermia and with clubs on the beach emptying out in droves Andrew frantically scoured the coast for his clothing and his passport which he’d failed to give to friends…Eventually Andrew located his clothes and, without having anything to dry himself with, pulled them on and trudged, sopping wet, off to claim his hard earned pound, which enabled him to buy his kebab shop chicken burger. The second everyone got home Andrew cast off his salty wet clothes and enjoyed some down time (see photo)

THE VAMPIRE ROOMS

Exclusivity is the name of the game for any aspiring young socialite and for Andrew it seemed as if he'd well and truly arrived as he found his way onto the guest-list at the Vampire Rooms in Liverpool. What started out as a good night however ended in disarray as Andrew quickly hit the bag and grew out of control. He was banned from the Dancefloor (akin to banning Elton john from Interflora) and before he knew what hit him Andrew was alone, out of his gourd and penniless three stories underground. At 2:30AM he surfaced finally, but now Andrew had a real problem for there was seemingly no way for him to get home. Andrew plucked up his energy and did the only thing he could think of, he decided to WALK the 25 miles home. 

Minutes turned into hours as the cityscape gave way to outlying slums and then middle surburbia, but still he had gotten nowhere and now there was a further problem...Andrew needed a shit. With nowhere to go and on a main road Andrew held on for as long as he could before nature got the better of him and he raced around the back of a pub to well and truly "drop the bomb" so to speak. relieved, but dehydrated, sober and exhausted Andrew sat down on the curb to contemplate his next move.

It was at this time that Andrew made a friend. A guardian angel he may not have been but the pimp that andrew befriended (after he ascertained that Andrew was in no physical or financial state to rent a prostitute) offered him a slice of Pizza and some words of encouragement that spurred Andrew on for another few miles.

Eventualy beaten and exhausted he called his mother at around 5:30AM on the sunday morning and had her wake his little sister up and drive down to get him. The next day Andrew was assigned the task of cleaning the inside of the car which had been smeared in excrement. 

EVERYBODY LOVES ANDREW

Ever keen to make a good impression Andrew ventured down to Brighton beach one sunny summer's day, cheeky bottle of Rose in tow, to rendezvous with some American Express employees. Viticulturalist Andrew settled down with his bottle only to find that he had clumsily left his trusty corkscrew at home. Fortunately resourcefulness is one of Andrew's many virtues and he proceeded to use his front door key as a makeshift bottle opener, pressing the pointed tip against the cork and attempting to drive it through the top into the pink liquid below...The fact that wine is bottled in a vacuum and any attempt to condense the contents therein will result i the build up of great pressure alluded Andrew who put his back into the task at hand. Sure enough he was illprepared for the impending release of the pressure that had built up and when the bottle exploded in his hand's he was at once covered in sweet Zinfandel and blood. After a quick rinse in the sea Andrew decided that he was fit to continue with the evening's festivities and put his mangled fingers out of his mind. That night the deep gash in one of his fingers hadn't stopped bleeding, so quick thinking Andrew (who's father is a hand surgeon) decided that he would sleep with his hand upside down in a pint glass so as to limit the mess his spewing blood was causing.

When the morning came around a gaunt and nausseated Andrew looked down at the glass to see a blackened finger hovering above three inches of deep red blood. Conceding he needed help Andrew called the office and advised them he wouldn't be in until mid-morning.

With noway to get to the hospital however after the 999 operator refused to send two paramedics and an ambulance to get a man with a (in Andrew's parlance) "cut finger" Andrew sat down on his bed in somewhat of a quandary. In the end Andrew opted out of seeking medical assistance, deciding instead that he could catch two episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond and a Just Shoot Me re-run before he was due in work!

At 5PM after nearly collapsing through blood loss in his office Andrew finally made it to the emergency room where he was seen almost instantly so medical staff could clean his hand and fit a cast that would enable him to keep his finger which was on he brink of dying.

A MOVEABLE FEAST

Ever the rambler Andrew had become tired with living with strippers and drug addicts and decided a change was in order. Recently bouyed with a stable job and decent income things were finally looking up for our luckless hero.

Casting all problems out of his mind Andrew decided to sink a few jars in the local public house after a hard weeks work. These jars turned into shots, the shots turned into lines, the lines turned into Mandy and before he knew it Sunday morning was upon him. Looking at his bank balance Andrew was stunned to discover he'd spend an extreme amount of money and the only thing he had to show for it was two tickets to a Star Wars expo in Birmingham the following week. Still groggy Andrew sat up and purveyed his surroundings...this wasn't his room...where the hell was he! looking around however Andrew was surprised to see all of his belongings in boxes next to what was unmistakably his bed...Andrew left the room, now worried he was dreaming and looked around this foreign house attempting to piece together what exactly he was doing here. The house was empty but he recognized some people from pictures in the lounge as girls from the London office and slowly and surely he remembered talking to them about needing a change of scenery and a new place...And that's when it hit him... in his drunken state he'd moved house!

Running outside to check he hadn't move cities Andrew was releived to see that at least he was in the same town...foolishly though he had taken his old housekeys outside with him rather than the new ones and he was left waiting outside in his quilt for his new housemates to return.

THE FUTURES BRIGHT...

The victim of a hainus hate crime in which his Birkenstocks were stolen and thrown onto a bar roof Andrrew found himself with no footwear outside of a pair of Italian style ankle boots that wear completely unwearable with the tropical style shorts Andrew was favouring at the time. The local wallgreens had a pair of women's orange neon flip flops on sale for $5...which was $5 more than Andrew had until the next payday in 4 days time!!!

Desperate times call for desperate measures and Andrew took a bet that he couldn't swim across a swampy lake at 2AM in order to raise the funds. The lake was right outside his housing complexes security building, who had been told to be on the lookout for any anti-social behaviour and evict the culprits. Nevertheless Andrew threw off his clothes and dove headfirst into the lake. Breaking the surface he was covered in slimy pond weed, but continued to plow his way through the water towards the otherside 50 meter's away. Alarmed the thrashing caused by Andrew forcing his way through the marine vegetation he was tangled in the security guards raced over to see the commotion was, only to see a white figure emerge from the other side of the lake and scamper frantically off behind a cluster of buildings. The hunt was on as Andrew was leaving a trail of great, wet footprints in his wake, so he had no choice but to flee security (who travelled in golf buggys) until his feet dried.

10 minutes later Andrew returned home, still clotheless feet cut to ribbons from the street, covered in pond weed and thoroughly out of breath. The now legendary flip-flops he purchased, designed as a makeshift short term solution to his footwear problem, lasted him for 3 months.

ONE MAN'S MISERY...

On a ten hour flight to Atlanta Andrew befriended the gentleman sitting next to him, a thirty-something businessman from Houston, Texas. Andrew was sorry to hear that the guy had just gotten divorced, had financial difficulties and was on the brink of losing his job. Having been the victim of divorced parents himself he was also saddened by the notion that his ex-wife was considering filing for full custody of their kids. Here was a broken shell of a man, at the end of his pitiful rope and with seemingly no desire to go on with life...Pitty aside however Andrew wasted no time at all in rinsing the poor fellow for 200 dollars in a game of poker, luring him in under the premise of not knowing how to play in order to cheer his opponent up and then mercilessly rinsing him for the contents of his wallet... As the guy sat back, now positively suicidal and depressed having lost even more, Andrew called for the duty free and used part of his winnings to buy a 1/2 litre bottle of Jim Beam which he polished of merrily right in front of the hapless man...Whom it turns out was also a recovering alcoholic. 

"These things always come in stages" philosophized Andrew,  "I'm sure he'll bounce back."

THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO....

In between jobs and commuting between London and Liverpool whilst on the hunt for one Andrew was poverty stricken for the summer of 2006. With England just winning in the world cup group stages and the sun shining in the Coach and Horses beer garden everyone was n jovial mood and all signs pointed to the night being a heavy one. Not wanting to miss the festivities Andrew conjured up a crisp ten pound note from somewhere and bought two bottles of cheap blended wine which he guzzled down in under two hours.

The now near paralytic Andrew was desperate to accompany everyone else into the city centre to continue the party, but alas no-one, it seemed was prepared to back him financially.  Taking pity on poor Andrew a consortion of friends decided that they would front £35 between them to help Andrew out...Nothing's free in this world however and Andrew was set a challenge in order to win the money. 

One of the member's of the group with the money had recently returned from the playboy club in Houston wherein he was gifted a rare and expensive Monte Cristo cigar. Removed from it's protective case the specimen was 8 inches long and had a girth of two inches, it smelled like a cuban tobacco harvest and contained the faintest susant of chocolate and oak. Enjoyed in the proper surrounding the cigar was designed to be enjoyed over the course of about an hour with a fine congnac or scotch and some thought provoking conversation on the side to accompany. ..Andrew's task was to finish the cigar in it's entirety in three minutes. 

A watch was set, a crowd gathered and a match was struck as the inebriated Andrew began puffing away at the thing like a chimney, billows of black smoke spewing from his mouth like Battersea power-station in the 1960's! visibly struggling to physically hold down the amount of chemicals entering his lungs Andrew began to grimace and hack with every breath, yet never broke his electric pace and somehow continued to shorten the cigar a millimeter at a time. two minute in and Andrew had somehow managed to half the cigar's length, but he was physically exhausted, drunk as a child at Neverland and could barely breathe due to the amount of Carbon monoxide and Dioxide clinging to his insides. He took ten seconds to catch his breath, breathing like a freediver who's just been 200 meters beneath the ocean for 5 minutes and then with one final Herculean effort began dragging the remaining cigar down. The crowd cheered as it began vanishing around the 30 second mark and only two inches remained...then one and a half...then one...and just as the clock struck zero Andrew howled in agony as he sucked burning tobacco embers into his mouth, jumping to his feet and spilling wine all over the table in the process. 

Andrew couldn't speak for over 24 hours and instead of basking in his victorious achievement spent his night out asleep at a club in the city centre. 

OL' RED

Love is a strange thing. With mounting student debt, secret overdrafts catching up with him, personal loans, maxed out credit cards and no job Andrew felt that to go to see a girl he'd "sort of" been seeing for 2 months (during which time they'd both been unfaithful numerous times and Andrew had developed and lied about a rather impressive drug habit) a new credit card was in order. Andrew worked hard in the gym for three months and scrimped and saved to show her a really good time, hopeful that this time he could make it work.

He jettisoned off to the Sunshine State in such haste that he forgot to book ay accommodation, opting instead to head for the only other place he could go once he touched down... the bar. As he waited in ernest for his beloved Andrew began to sink a few Long Islands... then a few shot's of Diesel 153. When he awoke the next morning he was not by a girls side but rather in a friends house... apparently he was so drunk that she had left the bar in disgust on the mere sight of him.  

Desperate to make amends and plead forgiveness Andrew, now less than flattering in appearance and odor, fumbled over to his would be lover's apartment and went inside... what the heart wants the body cannot always provide however as Andrew proceeded to vomit so violently and vehemently that he burst all the blood vessels in part of his face, turning the whites of his eyes a vicious, deep crimson that took the best part of a week to abate. looking like some freakish cross between a Manga cartoon and the Terminator Andrew picked himself up and vowed to himself that when his girl came home that night he would be a different person... twelve hours later he was off his mash at a party with a gang of Mexican's down International Drive... Andrew and the girl decided it would be better if they didn't see each other anymore.

HINDLEY, WILD MAN OF THE HURRICANE

Hurricane Season in the United States is no laughing matter. Homes are ruined and failure to prepare yourself properly can result in injury or even death. As hurricane Carla edged towards Andrew's abode people drained the supermarkets and chesmists for provisions and boarded up their houses for what was promising to be a long and terrifying 24 hours. Local's eyebrows were raised when they saw Andrew return from his ration run with two crates of Milwauke Best premium lager under his arms and a bottle of Creme de Menthe!!!

Overnight the storm raged hard, ripping tree's from the ground and leaving a trail of destruction in it's wake...As morning came Andrew was due to goto help the Hurricane Relief drive in work but he was nowhere to be seen, leaving some to think that he was still in bed or too afraid to venture into the hurricane. On route to the bus that would take them to work the other volunteers were more than a little surprised when walking past a bush they heard a rustling and grunting. Mistaking it for racoons or armadillo's the troop nearly jumped out of it's skin when a ragged Andrew, shoeless and cut to ribbons emerged from the undergrowth. Having seemingly just come to after god knows what sort of escapade Andrew, dedicated as ever, got on the bus with his cohorts and trundled through the eye of the storm to assist in the relief...though when he got to work he spent the next few hours sleeping in the laundry bin.

FOUR PLAY

After a particularly stressful affair at work, due in part to Andrew fooling around with another colleagues girlfriends...for the second time, Andrew decided to take a personal day and accompany his housemate for 18 holes at Eagle Pines Golf Course. 

Having never struck a ball before Andrew decided to act as caddy for the day and the two headed out to the pargo bay to rent a buggy. After loading the clubs on the back signs of Andrews driving skills being less than up to par were becoming evident as he crashed into a line of rented clubs,sending them toppling over in a domino effect.

Nevertheless Andrew, who had never been in charge of so much as a lawnmower before let alone a real people carrying motor vehicle, tentatively eased out of the bay and headed onto the first tee. 

A typical round of golf may take around three hours to play...Andrew was on the course that day for around about 90 minutes in total. Skidding around the fairways, pulling donuts in the sand traps, skirting swampy rough and jumping over humps and bumps as he tore up the landscape Andrew zoomed around the course like Seyna at Monaco, leaving a trail of destruction in his wake and turning the pristinely white pargo into a safari jeep from a war-torn nation. At the seventeenth hole Andrew almost wrote the buggy off entirely. Jumping over what he had mistook for a small rise Andrew crashed the vehicle shot over a grassy verge and into the shallows of a small swamp that required both passengers to drag the electric buggy out of.

On return from the course the club pro took one look at the buggy and asked, "who's responsible for the bad driving?" to which Andrew pointed to his housemate and said, "this guy right here, he hit a seven on hole 16 and has been fading the ball all day." 

CHILD'S PLAY

 Whilst Vacationing in Cuba Andrew began to notice a girl by the pool who might tickle his fancy. He went on to describe her as curvy, petite, kindly and innocent looking. He weened his way into her life by engaging her younger brother in harmless some water polo and other childlike games. Everything was going swimmingly and Andrew was quickly introduced to the girls mother, father and grandmother who she was holidaying with. Andrew drew closer ad closer to the girl as the morning went on and began to grow in confidence as the cuba libre's from the free pool bar began to slip down, not batting an eye-lid at the girls choice of drinks; cherry coke, frozen, lemonade, virgin daquiri and a shirley temple. Soon Andrew was not welcomed with enthusiasm by the family anymore but rather was watched as a shepherd watches a jackal around his flock. Eventually Andrew threw caution to the wind and started delving into the shy girl's personal life...a few questions in Andrew returned to the other side of the pool and contented himself with sunbathing rather than women...the girl as it turns out was 13! This wasn't the first time Andrew had been involved in altercations with underagers, but at least this time he asked questions first, something he had failed to do in the past. Aked when everything went South this time Andrew conceded "to be honest I think my relationship with the family was strained when I offered her rum."

ANDREW vs THE COMMUNISTS

Cuba, Fidel Castro’s militant heavy communist island in the heart of the Carribean can be a daunting place for your average tourist. Still closed off to the USA it has only recently begun letting the Western world across it’s borders after decades of fractious, political deliberation and military tension. Those wishing to enjoy it’s warm climate and white sandy beaches are subject to careful scrutiny at customs and intense bouts of questioning. After a grueling 10 hour flight young Andrew was approached by one of Castro’s finest, clad in military garb, accompanied by a doberman that better resembled a fur-coated razorblade. Ever the skeptic, when asked the fairly routine “Do you take drugs, you like Cocaine?” Andrew responded with caution, checking noone else was watching and then leaning in close to the guard and whispering “well…yeah, sure.”

Thirty minutes later the rest of the holidaymakers waited on as a bemused Andrew was taken into a holding cell by a troop of armed guards and given what is collectively known as “a good once overing.” A frantic holiday rep bargained, to no avail, with the militia to release a rather perturbed Hindley from the clutches of the West’s last Communist regime whilst his colleagues drew straws to see who would break the news to his parents across the Atlantic…

Adding fuel to the fire was the fact that Andrew had opted to travel light to Cuba, opting not to pack a suitcase but rather to throw a few pairs of shorts, tees and a toothbrush into a bag usually reserved for ‘recreational smoking materials’. After undoing the threads in his bag and cobbling together enough to form a candyland cigarillo it seemed as though we’d seen the last of Andrew Hindley, who looked condemned to the annals of the Cuban judicial system for the next few years after bringing illegal substances into a nation eager to exact it’s power over democracy and uphold it’s zero tolerance drug policy. Stoic in the face of adversity however, Hindley, inexplicably and without warning, emerged from the room and raced onto the back of his transfer bus, ushering the driver to make haste.

Only Andrew and the Cuban army know what went on in that small holding room on that hot and humid February evening, but what is conceded is that if Comrade Hindley fancies emigrating to a communist state he would find more friends in North Korea.

EAST MEETS ANDREW

Eager to extend an olive ranch across cultural boundaries Andrew kindly agreed to cook a "traditional" Sunday meal for a visiting Japanese Exchange student. After basting his chicken, seasoning his vegetables to taste, perfecting the consistency of his gravy and baking desert Andrew decided that all that was missing was a cheeky glass of wine, the perfect accompaniment to any sunday roast. As a lover of the fruits of the vine Andrew and Sakiko went quickly through a bottle of Merlot, then Shiraz, then Rioja, The Cabernet Sauvignon so that the chicken wasn't the only thing that was well and truly DONE by the time the oven timer pinged. Andrew was well and truly out of the game and as everyone sa down to eat proceeded to talk about all manner of topical discussion, from gay sex to the Thatcherist regime. Furthermore in Sakiko he had created a bigger problem, she was not used to consuming alcohol so the vast quantities Andrew has induced in her resulted in her staying MUTE for the entire meal, staring blankly at her plate and nigh on falling asleep until she arose to puke her guts up just before desert. All in all Sakiko went back to Japan none the wiser about a traditional English Dinner but with a headache the size of a Hiroshima explosion.  

KING OF THE RODEO

The 01:55am pull a fatty is no strange tactic to some of the more desperate males among us. Out of luck and out of sorts there are those who simply can't have a decent night unless some small amount of physical contact has been experienced with the opposite sex...

With very much a come one come all open-door policy towards women Andrew signed on for a bout of fat girl rodeo one night in Double Vision. After careful scrutiny he selected a particularly voluminous specimen and readied his charm lassoo, desperate to impress his compadres. 

Strutting across the club Andrew nestled in behind the victim and proceeded to throw some shapes on the dancefloor just to put out the vibe. Shortly thereafter Andrew got the greenlight to edge closer in and began chewing the face off his quarry...

So far so good but apparently no-one had clearly defined the rules of fat girl rodeo to Andrew who equated it quite literally with the Texan past time. Finally coming up for air Andrew wrapped himself firmly around the girl and whispered softly in her ear, "you're quite possibly the foulest person I've ever seen you dirty fat minger "then braced himself for the aftermath... Andrew hung on like a champion as the furious beast went ballistic for the next fifteen seconds and attempted to throw Andrew off her like a bucking bronco! Escaping largely unscathed Andrew returned to his friends as the untouchable and to this day undisputed king of the Rodeo.

RULE OF THUMB

When you’re young racing down hills is, for the most part, one of the most fun things to do. Young at heart Andrew proved in true Peter Pan style that he truly is the boy who never grew up, opting to race down a veritable Matterhorn in the Nottingham downs during Festivus…in a shopping cart…with a dodgy wheel!...in his early twenties! Andrew volunteered to rest precariously on the front of the cart whilst the other rider held up the rear, thus maintaining the cart’s delicate balance. As the cart gathered momentum the equilibrium of the vehicle was shattered as his co-pilot drove off the back of the trolley sending Andrew careening towards the bottom of the steep incline. With no suspension on the Cart and gaining momentum with every passing second Andrew clung on for dear life, at the mercy of the cart and the road like a Japanese woman caught in a tropical cyclone. As he swerved out of control the cart toppled over, landing Andrew flat on his face and sending the trolley over his head, catching him for good measure along the way and rendering him almost unconscious. Andrew’s wrist hurt but not wanting to be a stick in the mud he grit his teeth and got on with the rest of the evening.

On realizing his wrist was broken Andrew and a few colleagues raced to Queen’s Medical Centre to save his hand. The usual long wait greeted them so to pass the time Andrew decided to ask the Paramedics to “nip out and get us a meat feast pizza.” Apparently the medical staff took exception to this and patients looked on in bewilderment as Andrew and his piers were ejected from the A&E.

Today Andrew has regained the use of his hand though he still cannot straighten his thumb completely as a timely reminder. Mused Hindley “Shopping carts are no longer my first choice mode of transport for getting down hills”

BACK IN THE U.S.S.ARGH!

Masquerading as something your not often gets people what they want. One Saturday night Andrew, barely 18 at the time, felt the best way to get what he wanted with a girl was to pretend he was a Russian Ballet Dancer. Posing as Nikolai Voroshenko Andrew managed to entice the girl to come home with him. With no place to turn Andrew asked his friend Pete for his house keys. Pete reluctantly gave in and Andrew and his cohort Spenner took two girls back to the house. 

One hour later Pete and a few other's returned home, expecting to find two of the bedrooms out of bounds...but what greeted them was more Halloween than Emmanuelle. Andrew was found in the kitchen, shirtles and with a knife at his throat courtesy of his female caller,bruised and red-faced and frantically bartering for his life. Apparently S&M fan Andrew had gotten a little to frisky in his foreplay. There was seemingly a misunderstanding about what Andrew classed as a friendly spank and the girl and her friend labeled "physical assault." Then as Andrew began using his regular accent the s**t really hit the fan and the girl became convinced he was a serial rapist who had lured her to his gritty sex den and began to call the police. Moreover Andrew was then involved in a battle against many of his friends who weren't sure whether or not Andrew had in fact beaten the bejesus out of the girl. 

In the end the girl's left signalling an end to the festivities and the whole thing calmed down. Shortly thereafter everyone filtered home, the night more than slightly soured. Andrew meanwhile vowed never to use a false identity to get girls again, "all in all" he remarked, "I don't really think it's worth it" 

  

ICE TO SEE YOU

Whilst working at the Sandpiper restaurant Andrew’s head chef asked him to nip into the walk in freezer as he had done many times before and pick out some Seabass for that night’s service. Andrew obediently set off for the freezer, focused upon the task at hand. .

Thirty minutes later the Chef was still Seabass-less and no-one had seen or heard from Andrew since he went off to retrieve them. A kitchen wide search was underway a short time afterwards as concern grew within the staff for their team mate. A quivering Hindley was found sometime later by a young kitchen porter in the deep freeze, ice forming on his whites and unable to speak.

In 1994 Jima Carrey and Jeff Daniels made our sides literally split in the movie Dumb and Dumber. For Andrew it would seem one laugh-out-loud moment registered in his mind more than others…when the dopey ‘Harry’ gets his tongue stuck to a frosty telephone pole. Now, for most normal people the idea of putting your tongue on frozen metal is funny on screen but not something we would like to experience first hand…as we all know however Andrew is no ordinary being. Overcome with curiosity Andrew had seen his chance to see if this phenomenon was a scientific fact or Hollywood fabrication…he found out the hard way.

On first inspection Andrew wasn’t convinced that his tongue would indeed stick to the freezer shelf, although he thought that he could definitely feel some kind of pull when he flicked the tip at it. Not someone who does things by halves Andrew then flattened his tongue like a paddle and pressed it firmly down for thirty seconds.

Blood poured across the interior of the fridge and freezer when Andrew’s tongue was finally ripped from the freezer frame, leaving behind a thin sliver of skin from the hapless Hindley’s mouth that, for health and safety required the defrosting of the whole freezer the next week to remove! As testament to his devoted work ethic Andrew offered to work the rest of his shift, despite nearly bleeding to death, his whites looking like he worked in an abatoire and not being able to speak…to his surprise he was told to go home