HINDLEY, WILD MAN OF THE HURRICANE

Hurricane Season in the United States is no laughing matter. Homes are ruined and failure to prepare yourself properly can result in injury or even death. As hurricane Carla edged towards Andrew's abode people drained the supermarkets and chesmists for provisions and boarded up their houses for what was promising to be a long and terrifying 24 hours. Local's eyebrows were raised when they saw Andrew return from his ration run with two crates of Milwauke Best premium lager under his arms and a bottle of Creme de Menthe!!!

Overnight the storm raged hard, ripping tree's from the ground and leaving a trail of destruction in it's wake...As morning came Andrew was due to goto help the Hurricane Relief drive in work but he was nowhere to be seen, leaving some to think that he was still in bed or too afraid to venture into the hurricane. On route to the bus that would take them to work the other volunteers were more than a little surprised when walking past a bush they heard a rustling and grunting. Mistaking it for racoons or armadillo's the troop nearly jumped out of it's skin when a ragged Andrew, shoeless and cut to ribbons emerged from the undergrowth. Having seemingly just come to after god knows what sort of escapade Andrew, dedicated as ever, got on the bus with his cohorts and trundled through the eye of the storm to assist in the relief...though when he got to work he spent the next few hours sleeping in the laundry bin.

FOUR PLAY

After a particularly stressful affair at work, due in part to Andrew fooling around with another colleagues girlfriends...for the second time, Andrew decided to take a personal day and accompany his housemate for 18 holes at Eagle Pines Golf Course. 

Having never struck a ball before Andrew decided to act as caddy for the day and the two headed out to the pargo bay to rent a buggy. After loading the clubs on the back signs of Andrews driving skills being less than up to par were becoming evident as he crashed into a line of rented clubs,sending them toppling over in a domino effect.

Nevertheless Andrew, who had never been in charge of so much as a lawnmower before let alone a real people carrying motor vehicle, tentatively eased out of the bay and headed onto the first tee. 

A typical round of golf may take around three hours to play...Andrew was on the course that day for around about 90 minutes in total. Skidding around the fairways, pulling donuts in the sand traps, skirting swampy rough and jumping over humps and bumps as he tore up the landscape Andrew zoomed around the course like Seyna at Monaco, leaving a trail of destruction in his wake and turning the pristinely white pargo into a safari jeep from a war-torn nation. At the seventeenth hole Andrew almost wrote the buggy off entirely. Jumping over what he had mistook for a small rise Andrew crashed the vehicle shot over a grassy verge and into the shallows of a small swamp that required both passengers to drag the electric buggy out of.

On return from the course the club pro took one look at the buggy and asked, "who's responsible for the bad driving?" to which Andrew pointed to his housemate and said, "this guy right here, he hit a seven on hole 16 and has been fading the ball all day." 

CHILD'S PLAY

 Whilst Vacationing in Cuba Andrew began to notice a girl by the pool who might tickle his fancy. He went on to describe her as curvy, petite, kindly and innocent looking. He weened his way into her life by engaging her younger brother in harmless some water polo and other childlike games. Everything was going swimmingly and Andrew was quickly introduced to the girls mother, father and grandmother who she was holidaying with. Andrew drew closer ad closer to the girl as the morning went on and began to grow in confidence as the cuba libre's from the free pool bar began to slip down, not batting an eye-lid at the girls choice of drinks; cherry coke, frozen, lemonade, virgin daquiri and a shirley temple. Soon Andrew was not welcomed with enthusiasm by the family anymore but rather was watched as a shepherd watches a jackal around his flock. Eventually Andrew threw caution to the wind and started delving into the shy girl's personal life...a few questions in Andrew returned to the other side of the pool and contented himself with sunbathing rather than women...the girl as it turns out was 13! This wasn't the first time Andrew had been involved in altercations with underagers, but at least this time he asked questions first, something he had failed to do in the past. Aked when everything went South this time Andrew conceded "to be honest I think my relationship with the family was strained when I offered her rum."

ANDREW vs THE COMMUNISTS

Cuba, Fidel Castro’s militant heavy communist island in the heart of the Carribean can be a daunting place for your average tourist. Still closed off to the USA it has only recently begun letting the Western world across it’s borders after decades of fractious, political deliberation and military tension. Those wishing to enjoy it’s warm climate and white sandy beaches are subject to careful scrutiny at customs and intense bouts of questioning. After a grueling 10 hour flight young Andrew was approached by one of Castro’s finest, clad in military garb, accompanied by a doberman that better resembled a fur-coated razorblade. Ever the skeptic, when asked the fairly routine “Do you take drugs, you like Cocaine?” Andrew responded with caution, checking noone else was watching and then leaning in close to the guard and whispering “well…yeah, sure.”

Thirty minutes later the rest of the holidaymakers waited on as a bemused Andrew was taken into a holding cell by a troop of armed guards and given what is collectively known as “a good once overing.” A frantic holiday rep bargained, to no avail, with the militia to release a rather perturbed Hindley from the clutches of the West’s last Communist regime whilst his colleagues drew straws to see who would break the news to his parents across the Atlantic…

Adding fuel to the fire was the fact that Andrew had opted to travel light to Cuba, opting not to pack a suitcase but rather to throw a few pairs of shorts, tees and a toothbrush into a bag usually reserved for ‘recreational smoking materials’. After undoing the threads in his bag and cobbling together enough to form a candyland cigarillo it seemed as though we’d seen the last of Andrew Hindley, who looked condemned to the annals of the Cuban judicial system for the next few years after bringing illegal substances into a nation eager to exact it’s power over democracy and uphold it’s zero tolerance drug policy. Stoic in the face of adversity however, Hindley, inexplicably and without warning, emerged from the room and raced onto the back of his transfer bus, ushering the driver to make haste.

Only Andrew and the Cuban army know what went on in that small holding room on that hot and humid February evening, but what is conceded is that if Comrade Hindley fancies emigrating to a communist state he would find more friends in North Korea.

EAST MEETS ANDREW

Eager to extend an olive ranch across cultural boundaries Andrew kindly agreed to cook a "traditional" Sunday meal for a visiting Japanese Exchange student. After basting his chicken, seasoning his vegetables to taste, perfecting the consistency of his gravy and baking desert Andrew decided that all that was missing was a cheeky glass of wine, the perfect accompaniment to any sunday roast. As a lover of the fruits of the vine Andrew and Sakiko went quickly through a bottle of Merlot, then Shiraz, then Rioja, The Cabernet Sauvignon so that the chicken wasn't the only thing that was well and truly DONE by the time the oven timer pinged. Andrew was well and truly out of the game and as everyone sa down to eat proceeded to talk about all manner of topical discussion, from gay sex to the Thatcherist regime. Furthermore in Sakiko he had created a bigger problem, she was not used to consuming alcohol so the vast quantities Andrew has induced in her resulted in her staying MUTE for the entire meal, staring blankly at her plate and nigh on falling asleep until she arose to puke her guts up just before desert. All in all Sakiko went back to Japan none the wiser about a traditional English Dinner but with a headache the size of a Hiroshima explosion.